Day two of hospice, palliative, end of life care in place for my father. Not much has changed yet in reality everything has. My dad has been sick for a long time now. More than half my life. Until yesterday morning I guess I thought the way ever son does about his father, that he would live forever. My dad always being present for the “wins and losses” in life has been a given. He will be gone soon. I am not sure how I am processing that. There will be no more transfusions, no more trips to the er or hospital, and no more ability for the marvels of modern medicine to save him.
As a medical student and EMT I know the truth of those facts means he won’t live much longer. Hospice is in place now to allow my father to pass with dignity. The advances of technology and pharmaceuticals in health care don’t always allow for that process. My classmates from medical school will not be able to provide care for him.
As a runner and son I know I again need to lace up my sneakers and get outside so that I can continue to support my family by being the strong, happy, and “filled with hopes and dreams” oldest son. However as I typed the email to Gil and Francesca today about my decision to skip UROC this weekend I realized those qualities I own are a little harder to find these days beneath the tears. The rocks, roots, and dirt on the trails are a bit more difficult to see with an over active lacrimal gland above each eye.
Life goes on. It always does. Maybe for my father he will soon to able to lace up his old football cleats and run alongside me. I would like to believe that he will be at peace soon in a way that we were when we used to run QB / receiver patterns when I was a child.